Heather-Nicole

random thoughts of mine

S o often we find our life stuck in a crossroad in a way we aren’t even sure which direction to take.  We allow so much of what is happening around us to morph us to feel and act in accordance to those things. It is like that we allow our happiness to be measured by the things we have, the people who are around us, the future we have ahead of us etc. Now  most things you read so many people will talk about how important the people we have and our hopes for the future are…now don’t get me wrong I think having ambition and being appreciative of the people in our lives is important but I think we base too much of our own happiness and well being on those things. 

I think in my own life I spend so much of my life trying to mend broken things of my past. I will waste so much energy and effort in trying to understand why people have left or why they have said this or that or why certain things happen that I eventually start to just feel completely down on myself.  I start to allow the happiness of myself be based on everything in my past. I blame myself for other peoples actions and the fact that I could have done more or done less.

Happiness is about loving yourself, about believing in the person you are and not allowing anyone or anything that has ever happened to you make you feel any different about yourself. I started to realize the importance of complete strangers in improving your on self esteem.

The other day I was at work having a completely off day. I didn’t feel good, I was down on myself and my mind was a thousand other places. This older man came in the door and I finally asked him if I could help him ( granted it took me awhile to ask cause I was in another world haha) He told me he was just looking for a business card or a menu because even though he didn’t get on this side of town much that we looked like a really good place to eat.  So after having to look a few places for a to go menu I finally walked around the bar and handed it to him. When I handed him the menu  he turned towards me patted me and few times on the shoulder, smiled at me and said thank you so much for your help. I remember just standing there for a brief second and smiling at what had just happened. The touch and appreciation of a complete stranger was able to turn my mood around in just that brief second. It really got me thinking to how just a small gesture to someone you don’t even know can reall to how just a small gesture to someone you don’t even know can really make such a big difference, especially because when a complete stranger does that they don’t even realize what they are doing for you or what you have going on in your life.

I guess this writing was a little random but felt the need to express a few things. I wish you peace.

Blackened madness

Bleeding heart stop your madness

you hide your healing in blackened wounds

Get a grip on your truths

and subside your demolition

When your backs against the flame

quit your fiddle, your anguish

let the feeling over come you

put your shameful pasts away

dont let the guards hide their eyes

seek your blinding inner disguise

an unseen escape

She feels the agony rush through her as she gently closes her eyes

The pain is so overbearing that no veil could ever hide

A constant striking reminder of a past of broken lies

She screams for it to vanish in the constant ticking time

A hurt that’s downright piercing not a single shining light

She searches for an outing but falls to far off the side

The method is her desire yet filled with much more hurt

How can she let this happen with not a question of reverse

It’s shiny yet so fearful as she reaches for its pleasure

The smell begins to seduce her as the sight it lures her in

An escape from the madness steamed with choking disguise

The feeling brings such freedom in every beginning scar

The pattern seems to mimic the release of done befores

She hears the voice scream “stop right now” but only drowns it out

She needs the job well done to her convinced satisfaction

The area is filled with fire and the lines are all raised

She shakes her head in disbelief and smiles with a broken face

The pain has moved to physical matters and the emotions are set free

She grasps herself in comfort but stares down in shameful glares

The wounds they aren’t her own they come from malicious fight

A healing no one could understand exposed to seen sight

This round and round keeps moving as she rises to her feet

She brushes off the other one someone she doesn’t call her own

The day is new beginning yet the winds cause a sudden sting

She’s reminded of a job well done of shifting broken wings

Speaking a heart of memories

So I’m stuck here working on “studying” for a math test and I am failing at it epically.  It is the only class that could possibly keep me from graduating…do you know how embarrassing it is to be doing horribly in a basic math class? Well its embarrassing… So as I ponder a way to possibly figure out how to stay focused, I soon came to realize that my best bet was to just write.

 I haven’t spoken my heart in awhile, and truthfully, I HATE times like that in my life. It puzzles me sometimes because so often the times where I need to pour my heart out, I forget how much of a relief it is, instead I leave everything bottled inside of me and take them out in a completely different form. 

As so many people know and even more have just come to see via the lovely thing we called technology, My life is a constant struggle.  But then again, everyone struggles, its just the way people deal with struggles that makes a difference. My good friend Kevin always tells me that.  He says that we choose what we let affect us.  As right as he is, it still does not make it easy to not allow things to get to you.  As a self acclaimed worry wart, this task does not come easy to me what so ever.  I will so often worry on something so long and hard that even when it wasn’t that big of a problem, it becomes one.  Do you know how AWFUL that is? Well if you don’t…let me tell you its miserable.  Sometimes I wake up after a nights sleep of tossing and turning and just start laughing.  I laugh at the fact that I allow things to absorb me, I allow things to become who I am , when really all I should do is lay them aside and let God do the work.  Believe me folks, it isn’t that easy, but its what SHOULD be done.

Lately I have been faced with the challenge of letting go.  Letting go is such a tricky term.  It holds more meaning that one can express.  Sometimes we let go to move on, yet the memory and the thought is still in the back of our mind.  Now the difference is when you allow that memory to be positive and seek a “ I learned from that, I am better for it “ type of view and then you have the other side where you claim to have “moved on” but in all actuality you just pretend like it doesn’t bother you, you pretend you are ready to start your life without that past thing. Put it stays in your head, it eats you alive at night.  I relate it to the whole feeling that Bella from twilight gets when Edward leaves, that EATING at your stomach feeling ( yes folks I totally just went there and made a twilight comparision, forgive me please) 

It doesn’t help that sometimes when you are on the verge of seeing that “ I am better for what happened” view, something just comes around and throws you full force back into that hole in your stomach feeling. It is horrible because it only gives you hope of what you want to leave behind. I am currently constantly facing this with a particular situation in my life.  I am not afraid to say it has to do with a person.  It is like when I finally see hope in just putting it behind me, and just keeping the positive of the situation in my mind as a pleasant memory…he comes along and shakes my whole life.  So many people are like why don’t you just ignore him? Why don’t you just not respond back.  The thing is, I wish I could, Ive tried but its such a rare thing to have him communicate with me, I freak and do not know how to react.  The weird part is, he talks to me for a day, 3 days at most and then he goes back and disappears, wont contact me, wont have anything to say.   I know that I deserve more than this, that I deserve someone who wants all of me, all the time.  The linger of hope is so strong, its like he has me holding on much compared to an alcoholic lingering upon the last sip of alcohol they have in house….its bittersweet and painful, yet invigorating. I know that time with solve this problem and that in the end my strength and hope in knowing how much I DO deserve with turn this all into a memory of the past.  That I am hopeful for.

I leave you all with this…

Sometimes we get so caught up in the fun of people, the lust, and the temporary times.  It isn’t till you find yourself alone and struggling that you realize the importance of the people who were there all along.  The people who might not have it all together, or be there for all those wild nights but instead the ones who loved you even when you were hard to love, the ones who held your hand when you just felt like giving up.  Those people, the ones who love you despite your imperfections and come around even when you have pushed them away time and time again, those are the types of friends you want to have for life…..sometimes it takes time to realize the importance of these people and sometimes you even have to beg them back for their friendship, but when you do you will be thankful you did. Believe me.

taking for granted and the walls that are built

As a writer I am often riddled by the idea of what makes me want to write? What causes a moment where I know that I NEED to write. It seems that so often, the moments where I feel completely nothing, my heart yearns to write. As I sit here I realize it’s hours after a normal persons bedtime, yet I am awake and filled with complete thought.

For as long as I can remember I have been a night person. Granted, I am sure if I tried that I would over time be able to adapt to a more “normal” sleep pattern but honestly I do not know if I ever actually will. Late at night, or early in the morning for some of you is a time where my thoughts and heart begin to evaluate the me that I am and the constant things that occur that influence my life.

I am pondering the idea of how I wonder if I am the only person on the planet who worries about people I probably shouldn’t be worried about. Like I have this horrible problem with even when I know something is over between me and someone, or when someone has hurt me really bad to the point where no conversation takes place what so ever…I still WORRY about these people. I know that its probably not the right thing for me to do, but I swear no matter how hard I try not to, I still care and worry for them. I guess it really results in the idea that sometimes when you know someone really well, you know that certain things make them act one way, or they get upset by something else. For me, when I am baffled by the way someone is acting or when I hear something about them that is off key to the person I know them to be…it definitely leaves me scared and worried for them. I want everyone to be happy and to truly be happy. It is so easy to pretend like you aren’t affected by something or that you are not hurt by something but in the end you are only covering it up. I read through people like this, I see the way they do things to cover up how they really feel. I don’t quite understand and fully get why this happens or why my heart yearns in situations like this, but it does and frankly …I am unsure of what to think about it.


Another thing that is on my mind is the way people can change, and the way it can lead to so many different factors. Mostly I am drawn to the idea of how you know how you really take someone in your life for granted and yet they still love you? I have an experience like that in my life and the past year has truly shown me many, many sides of how that can play out. I had a particular person in my life who was a wonderful person and to this day I can honestly say they showed me true respect and love more than probably any one I have ever known. They selflessly loved me for me. I guess part of it also stemmed from the idea that this person has known me for a pretty long time, and most definitely through many, many STAGES of my life.

In knowing this person and for awhile, embracing ALL of the respect and love they gave me I eventually over time pretty much took their respect and love for me and tossed it around like a merry go round. You know How you spin in a circle but eventually you always come back to the same spot. That’s pretty much how it was. I took what they gave me and forgot about it and then when I needed it, I always came right back. For years this person allowed me to leave and come back, leave and come back and every time I used excuses and I am sorry I didn’t stick with yous, I should have known betters…Now don’t get me wrong to this day I will always know that I genuinely cared and loved this person back, but I still took what they offered me for granted. Things with this individual were great, they never failed to completely make my day and truly wanted to see me happy, because they knew I could be.
Eventually patience runs out, and I got to experience this first hand. After time and time of expecting this person to be there for me, this go round they did not let me run back like I had so many times before. It is the truth though, You can only allow someone so many times of hurting you before eventually you build up a wall that they cannot get inside of. For me I finally saw what I was doing and I couldn’t really blame this person for refusing to let me in again. I poured every desire of my heart and ever heartache that I could to this person. I wanted them to know that I was sorry and that the love and admiration I had for them was so heavy and so different than everyone around me I failed to SEE how important they really were….It was a tough cookie to swallow..
Since then me and this person have remained friends but the bond that we once had is most definitely different. After much maturity on my own part I began to truly show this person how much I appreciate them and how important they are to me. In the past it was all done the same way but this time, I am not turning away. Since coming to realize the magnitude of how i took this person for granted, they are constantly on my mind and always a prayer on my heart. Even though nowadays this person continues to have a wall built up and refuses to express the respect and love they once did for me, most likely in fear of getting hurt..I continue to fight to tear it down.This person says that things will never be the same again, that I burned too many bridges but I continue to have HOPE. I want to be a better person and I want to love everything that person has to offer me. It really does show you that it takes a VERY long time to repair something that you continue to break and at times it will never be repaired…in my case, I continue to keep trying in hopes that one day things will be mended and I can truly make it known that I ADORE the respect and love this person gives me and respectfully do the same for them…

I am unsure if that makes much sense to anyone but its something that has been laying on my heart. The hour is super late and though my heart is still filled with a feeling of absolutely stillness and know that my thoughts are still raging.

I leave you with this:

Eventually heartache will be turned into a beautiful gift. God will pick up all those pieces that were left behind time after time and he will mold together a miraculous gift that is beyond anything you expected. Those heartaches will not be the core of that gift, instead they will be the inspiration that makes it glow brighter than you ever saw before. So cast your heartaches away, give them away to God because he alone has a treasure waiting for you. – hns.


I wish you peace.

Late night writing ( former post)

****Disclaimer***This is a former reflection of my heart and I am reposting it to my new blog.  I pray that through reposting something that was written in a different time in my life, other people out their could possible be touched, or relate and it will move them.  This is my past and may or may not relate in any way to what is currently going on in my life.  I wish you peace..****

June 30, 2008 in a blog titled ” the late night writing returns..something to make you think.”

I have not written in so long, yet I need a pad and pencil lately so bad that it isn’t even funny. Or maybe that should have been a blank word document and fingers..cause I type most everything I write these days..haha oh well.

With summer coming to its half way point I cannot begin to tell you where the time has gone. Each and every day I wake up to the thoughts and memories of the night before. I have found things in my self the last few months I didn’t know existed, forgot existed, and things I wish never would have re existed. It has been a summer filled with many emotions and being life learning battles.

I suppose throughout life you wonder how often and how many life learning battles you can and will face. Yet each one makes you stronger and better off in the end. If I am completely honest, the last months I have lost myself. I have lost everything I made for myself to stand upon, and even questioned how and where this happened. It is amazing the time and energy you put into your own well being, with the things you do and the company you keep. It often makes me wonder if people lose themselves, just to find themselves back.

So often the things we hope for and try for fail so miserably that we stand so long staring at the broken pieces that we have no where to go to. We cannot even bear the thought of picking up the pieces just to try over again. Maybe those broken pieces are so much more comfortable than a one whole piece we allow ourselves to roll around in the brokenness so long that we THINK everything is back to one piece. Or maybe it is that we are so struck by the brokenness that even taking the chance of putting things back together just to watch them fall apart again would only hurt us worse.

I recently watched someone that means more to me in this world than close to anyone else,other than my family.. fall apart. The thing is, that is so out of character for them that I was lost by it. Here is this person who is my backbone when I myself am broken, and instead they were so broken, I had no clue as to where to start to help them. The funny thing is, in their brokenness, they found a since of well being, a since of hope. That through complete brokenness they found the glue that helped put those things back together. As the things were put together, a short time later they watched that wholeness fall right back onto the floor, and shatter into a million pieces. Right now, they are still staring at those broken pieces, but the thing is..i know that even though they are so hurt right now, they will eventually find that glue to put everything back together again.

That’s the hope I have for my own life, that in the times of brokenness you find that glue, and even when those pieces slowly fall from your hands piece by piece again you still find the courage to do it all over again.

Through losing myself, and along the road of finding myself again I have learned the following:

-You are the only person who can let go of the hurt, and when you do, other people will be there to encourage you the rest of the way

- even your best friend will let you down, but what makes them a best friend is that when things go wrong, and you feel like you have lost them, they come back at you full force with open arms, no matter how bad the situation is

- your family is and always will be your strongest critic, but they will also give you the largest arms to run to in your time of need.

- no matter how much you think things of the past are gone and done with, they can and will come back and haunt you worse than you ever imagined

- you can continue to give people chances, and make excuses for them, but in all actuality, they are NEVER going to be the person you hope for them to be

- sometimes the best of friends are the ones that stay at a distance, that are right at arms length away, but only if you need them

- that people can make as many excuses about the way things happened and why they happened that way, but they will always be just that..an excuse

- that hearing someone say they are sorry won’t make things better, its about time and actually seeing them be sorry

-complete strangers can at times offer better advice than anyone else out there, you just have to be willing to listen

- as much as you guard your heart from being hurt, there are still ways in

- letting go of regrets takes an awful lot of work, but when you finally do it, you will be changed forever

- your only as strong as the strength you have in yourself, sometimes its ok to just ask for help.

- stepping back sometimes brings you the most joy you will ever experience

- that no matter how much you think your prayers are not being answered, sometimes you need to step back and see that they are being answered, you just are not picking up the right signs

- God’s grace is so abundant, but the moment you take it for granted you will feel like it does not even exist

- People are going to question you sanity, your well being, and your intentions, but let them, they don’t have to understand you, and they don’t even have to like you

- that you deserve better than you will ever give yourself credit for, no matter how bad you have ever screwed up

- that the best way to support someone is to love them ,and pray for them, even when they don’t want you to.

Just some things that ive realized through the journey.
I hope someone is touched and moved by them.

Life is tricky, and this blog is long and could even make people think im on some crazy anti life spill…totally not the case. I write what comes to mind, I write because I am Moved by it.

I wish you peace and grace always.

Breaking it down, Part # 2

I’ve learned that [no matter what happens], or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Maya Angelou


Yesterday I broke down the part of this quote that talks about life going on and moving on with certain parts of our lives.  I talked about the idea of knowing that you deserve better and that tomorrow is a new day.  In thinking of what I should write today I decided to focus on a couple different things…first: The way a person handles things shows a lot about them. 

I think we can all attest to how true that is.  We see it each and every day.  Different people, same circumstance and they all react differently.  It makes me smile that this quote includes the idea of a rainy day.  A few of my friends have heard me talk about the whole idea of this before; glad I have the same brain wave as Maya Angelou.  On a rainy day you find so many people grumbling and complaining about it.  It seems like everyone is afraid they might melt and die.  For me, I don’t normally have this reaction.  For me (at least recently this is how my thought process has changed) I am THANKFUL for the rain.  Think of it this way: At some point, somewhere, somebody ASKED for that rain.  So in return we should accept the rain and be thankful for it, somewhere out there, someone needed it.  We need rain for survival, so why pitch a fit about it when it happens.  I understand the rain can often put a damper on people’s moods and keep them from doing some things, but maybe that’s where we have it all wrong.  For me, a rainy day means either catching up on stuff I needed to do inside or heck sometimes it means just facing the day and dealing with the rain.  So I encourage you all, next time it rains to embrace it.  God truly talks to me so loudly when it rains.  It’s like he is saying “hey look what I can do, isn’t this beautiful?”

So on a different note…let’s talk about people.  Mostly let’s talk about relationships.  I could talk days on male to female intimate relationships but for the most part, I just want to focus on friendship based relationships.  First and foremost I’d like to write the following verse: 1 Corinthians 15:33 says: “Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for bad company corrupts good character.”

Bad company corrupts good character. WOW how powerful can that be?  Think about it like this, the company you keep is often a reflection upon who you are and what people see you as. You put yourself around negative people; you are more than likely to be a negative person, even if at first you aren’t.  I have battled with that so much before.  When I was in high school I realized all the people around me were basically led by a “pact leader” and if she was mad at someone, then everyone was mad at them.  Over time I realized how unimportant who I truly was started to become.  I conformed to being one of those judgmental, popular, stuck up girls.  So I ran away.  Believe me, it was not easy.  As a senior in high school you expect it to be when all your best friends have the greatest year of your life and you all go to college and yadda yadda.  For me, I spent the majority of my last semester in high school, regaining the real me.  The person I wanted to be remembered as.  To this day, I am better for it and sure enough many of those girls who were stuck in that clique quickly realized the same thing I did.  Luckily they changed into better people and a couple of them are to this day my best friends back home. 

I talk about this because it expresses the fact that even when you don’t think YOU are like that, if all the people around you are, people assume that’s how you are.  For me it’s the same concept of work.  I love my work, and I am so blessed to have a job but at the end of the day work is over.  If I took all the frustration that I experienced at work and let it get to me personally, I would have died from stress by now.  I think it’s a true testament of learning to filter certain things in and out of your life.

I have made a vow to “detoxify” my life as of lately.  It is definitely a slow process and without my faith and God’s guidance I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Each day I try to rid my self of something or someone that is only causing negativity or conflict in my life.  Granted I know God calls us to love our enemies but that’s not what I am talking about here.  I am more focused on the people or things that create a barrier between God and me.  Take it as a sort of fast in a way.  My opinion on that is, why give it up for a sort period of time.  If it’s causing you to “worship” it or causing you to be an “ungodly” person, why not just rid it of your life completely? So I do encourage you who read this to truly sit down and think of things or people who are only causing you problems in life.  Things that you may even enjoy but when it comes down to it are detrimental to your well being physically and spiritually.

Ok so I didnt exactly talk about what I planned to when it came to relationships but I believe it will be something good to write on in the future haha…sorry got on another one of those lost train of thoughts rampages..

So one last thought..as always…

This was previously written in something of mine and I think it’s a good piece of thought

God truly has a way of breaking me down when I least expect it. He has a way of making me see the strength I should strive for just right before I feel like giving up. I have learned that even though my faith is no where perfect I am so much better because of the faith I do have. That no matter what God is the number one provider; he will show you what you need to see, in his timing. 

I wish you peace

p.s. D.R. I spell checked this one, haha!

Breaking in Down part # 1

My dear friend Rachel sent me the following this afternoon:

I’ve learned that [no matter what happens], or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Maya Angelou

She said that it reminded her of me.  I am not exactly sure what she meant by that but regardless, it definitely SPOKE to me. I had all intentions of blogging tonight but my head was filled with a thousand and one things I wanted to put on paper.  Something led me to post what Maya Angelou said…and to expand on many key factors of the saying.

I am drawn to the fact of no matter what happens life does go on.  I just repeated this line to myself over and over.  In a way it makes me hurt and smile all at the same time.  I think of moments where 5 years ago I had broken up with my first serious boyfriend and even though I wanted the break up to happen, I felt like my life would never be the same.  I thought I would never meet someone like him, and that I would die alone and miserable.  Years later, he just recently got married and I have survived.  Back then I thought it was the end of the world and today I am glad that he is happy and know that I am much better not with him…nothing against him, its just he wasn’t the one for me.  It is funny how that happens over and over again in our lives.  Something happens and we let it consume us and basically murder us inside and at the time we think nothing could be right again.  But over time those wounds DO heal and we are better for it all.  How weird is that?  It really makes me wonder why we don’t heal more quickly because we all know that holding on just down right makes it hurt worse.  In saying all that…I am brought to the idea of letting go.

The last few months have not been the easiest for me, ill say it once and ive said it a thousand times.  There were points where I would sit in the bathroom and think, my life is ruined, no one loves me, no one cares.  How awful is that?  I am down right ashamed of EVER letting myself feel that way.  Through it all I began to hear God speak to me.  Each day it was louder and louder and he truly whispered to me “ you are more than enough for me” “ surrender yourself”.  I can think of numerous occasions where I thought but God I already believe in you, I have already asked for your help.  It wasn’t until I hit the bottom that I realized God wanted me to stop trying to forgive myself on my own.  I really battled with the fact that a certain someone in my life had completely shut me out.  I spent months trying to get them to have some sort of conversation with me and I was continuously denied.  I knew I had hurt them but I saw no way where what they were doing to me was right.  I was persistant and continued to try and show them I needed them and yet again, denied.  Everyone around me told me that even though I had hurt that person that I was better than them for the mere fact that the person couldn’t even speak to me.  No matter who said it or how much they said it, I still yearned to make mends with this person, it literally was almost the death of me. It took a failed response to a letter of me pouring my heart out that made me start to think I was worthless that I deserved this and I just didn’t understand. God had a bigger view for me to see, he refused to let me tear myself down.  All my attempts to let God work and help me over my past seemed to fail and then I realized, I knew God forgave me but I forgot to let my relationship with him allow myself to forgive me. So even though I had other plans to go to another church I woke up, called my friend and said I’m going to church with you today, God told me I should.  I had no idea what would happen that day…but during an open invitation time at this church (seacoast) they have an option of writing something on a card and nailing it to the cross  in signs of basically giving it up to God.  So I did, I wrote down the idea of letting go and forgiving myself for all my past and not looking back.  As I nailed it to the cross I felt envigorated and for the first time in a long time I knew letting go was the best decisions for me.

That whole story was long and jumbled but it reveals truth, that it takes a long journey to finally move on, to finally stop blaming yourself…but the moment you do, you feel completely anewed and I am so thankful to serve a God who gives me that option.  Today is a new day and it wont be the same as yesterday or even compare to tomorrow.  LIFE GOES ON. How very true is that?

I really want to continue to elaborate on the maya angelou quote but I am trying to keep my post to a minimum…so it looks like this may be a series of post over the next few days.

One other thought I had is that so often in our lives we are consumed by making an effort to help others, to express love to others and so often we do these things and we come up empty handed.  That isn’t to say we should only do things if we hope to get something back in return because that isn’t what giving is about.  But there does come a point where you can only take on so much course work. That you can only do so much of the doing and loving before you need the other person to do something in return.  Its tough and at times you can burn yourself out.  I encourage everyone to thank someone for their friendship or work harder at a relationship you have in your life.   Call someone instead of texting them.  It doesn’t take that much more work, I promise.

I leave you with this…  in the words of Mother Teresa “ Be the living expression of God’s kindness: Kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.

I wish you peace.

Growth goes a long way

It has been quite some time since I have written.  I could partially blame that on having a non functioning computer but mostly it is caused by lack of controlled thoughts haha.

So much has been going on that I cannot even begin to tell you the road my life has seen the last month or so.  God has truly been moving in my life and I could not be more moved by it.  I am constantly growing in so many areas of my life and allowing God to do work through me during it all.  I have truly seen that living a comfortable life, a life of safety is not what I am called to do at all. Francis Chan in Crazy Love says it best:

People who are obsessed with Jesus aren’t consumed with their personal safety and comfort about all else.  Obsessed people care more about God’s kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress.

WOW what power in those words.  It is so true in my life that in times of pain and distress I have so often turned to the wrong things to cover that but in BEST times in my life have been when I turn to God because in my times of trial and when I allow God to show through me, other people are moved by it.  People see the positive attitude and think “ what does she have?” I want to strive to me more and more like that.  I want to not fear and take whatever comes safe or not, as long as I am glorifying God!

I feel God is definitely calling me to help the people of the tragedy in Haiti.  It is like every time I see or hear something new about it, I am completely numbed.  I ache for the loss they have experienced.  I hear news of people dancing in the streets, praising God, even though they have had such loss.  What a testimony that is to truly praising God even in the lowest moments in our lives.  It makes me feel so guilty for ever questioning the power God has in all moments of my life.  It really draws me to juggle with how everything that happens ultimately has a reason, and even through it all PRAISE GOD!  Through the feeling of knowing I need to do something to help these people I ask for prayers for direction and in the mist of it all I continue to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for them and all the people who will be going there in the coming months.

Over the months I have truly seen the importance of having true, faithful friends.  I had seen a very low point in my life and it was so nice to a few people who pulled me to my feet and helped my fight the battle.  One of those people is a girl who despite her being younger than me, someone I truly look up to.  She never fails to encourage me with early morning blessings and continues throughout the day to send me a text to just say hey, or drive outta her way just to come hang out.  She holds me accountable in taking time to see God, especially in my lowest of moments. It seems that while so many people around me walked out, she became more involved.  What a way God shows you the importance of true friendship.  To her…you should figure out who you are, cough A.B. cough..haha. Thank you….you will always be a lifelong friend, I am sure of it.

I really want to write more, but I know if I start to write about what else is on my mind this will become overwhelmingly long…so I promise to write again this week…my vow is to write more this year…

So I leave you with this…If today was your last day, how would you be remembered? A simple act of kindness goes a very long way.  A quick text to an old friend, paying for the person behind you at the drive thru, a hand written note, a smile to a complete stranger, holding the door open for someone who ISNT just right behind you….think about it…you making one persons day could change their life…

I heard a story on the radio about this man who had someone do that whole pay for you in the drive thru thing one day.  The man was so mesmerized by someones simple act it caused him to go home and tell his son whom he had been having troubles with that he loved him.  In return his son, broke down and told his dad that he had planned on killing himself that night because he felt like no one cared or loved him….WOW..yup that story DEFINITELY gave me spine chills!

I wish you peace